Ummmmm...

SO! Last Monday, the 14th, I went to my studio to finish up on some work. Bowl of popcorn in one hand, huge cup of coffee in the the other. I set my corn down and pull out my chair--all set to get a head start on the next days work. Feeling good about where I'm at in the work, and riding a corn n' coffee high, I pull my chair out and prep myself to lower my well formed hiney on said chair. When I feel my foot....on something. I think nothing of it, thinking it may be a runaway corn kernel.
I look down as I pull my foot up off the foreign object, only to see that the corn kernel ended up ACTUALLY being....a friggin SCORPION.

Yes, a scorpion...about four + inches long.
I let out a loud (yet manly) scream. Which brought my wife down to see what the commotion was.
When I took my foot off of it, it turned quickly and scurried a little bit. It surprised me that
1) It wasn't squished. And was TOTALLY intact!
2) that he didn't run in panic as an ant or a roach would. He pretty much stayed in one spot.
TOUGH mutha which actually freaked me out some.
and 3) That the damn thing didn't STING me! I looked at my wife after I told her what it was, and asked her " now I would KNOW if this thing stung me, wouldn't I??" she said "Oh yeah!"
Since I wasn't foaming at the mouth or peeing on myself, I considered myself fortunate, And told myself twas now time to take care of the situation.
My wife offered me a shoe for my surgical strike and I braced myself for the assault.
Pondering a war cry I briefly considered "TAKE THAT LIBERAL SCUM!" But since this was indeed NOT a roach, I found it ill fit for the task. I opted for a quick and silent yet very deadly strike.
Now since I've never had to actually KILL a scorpion before, I thought I would just play it safe and smack it REALLY REALLY HARD!
I did a wind up, in order to open up said whoop ass on said scorpion, and raised my weapon of choice (said shoe).

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHWAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

Whoop-ass commenced.

Twas the end of the scorpion, twas the end of the story........or so you would think.
I raised my scorpion stomper,only to find that the DAMN THING WAS STILL ALIVE!!
HE WAS.....STILL.....ALIVE.
Now I had a very pissed, and somewhat more mobile scorpion as he pivoted around as if to say
"what the hell? Is it raining in here?" He didn't even look fazed!
Puzzled, I stood back expecting him to leap at my face Ala the cute killer bunny from Monty pythons 'holy grail' and kill me dead.
Where were the guts??
Where was the bug blood? Where was the gruesome mess that I'm so accustomed to cleaning up after such a savage attack on other bugs?
It is at that precise moment that I came to the wise conclusion that "Dem scorpions is tuff, sum-bitches!"
So, I figured that I should have another go at him before he figures its time for a counter attack.
So I swung back even higher. If you've ever watched any sort of "pro" wrestling, then you might have the image of someone going to the 'top rope'. You wouldn't be far off the mark.
I 'TOP ROPED' it baby! I ' TOP ROPED' it goooooooooooooooooooooood.
KAAAAAAAAAAATHWAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I held the shoe down for several seconds. Teeth gritted, neck veins buldging. All very "Frazetta dramatic"!
I lifted the shoe....He was definitely feeling some of the effects from the whoop ass. But believe it or not...NO GUTS! A---freaky deaky--MAZING!
So I partook in a third dosage of whoop-ass'ing. JUST to be safe!
KAAAAAAAAAAAA--THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!
We HAVE GUTS!! WE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE GUTS!!
Although just a little, but enough seepage to tell me that it was OK to pick up the sucker .
As I scooped him in a cup, his damn tail curled up. Scared the crap outta me. But it was dead.
Yes, it was dead.
All hail the scorpion killer! (thank you).
I walked around the house for awhile just looking at this thing. Totally flabbergasted at how tough these things are. I took some pictures of it, I'll post those when I get the chance. Maybe in a day or so. Keep yourself peeled for that.
I pondered a Viking Burial, but since I did not have any small boat to set flame to, I settled on tossing the carnage in the back yard and got myself back to work.
The only thing is, that I kept thinking that there are times when I'll just pull up a pillow and take a nap on the floor of my studio. After thinkin about that, I ended up giving myself the creeps all night.
If you've ever had 'pee shivers', it was very much like that! And that made getting ANY work done for the night- a very, VERY difficult task indeed.

Moral of the story:

When life hands you scorpions, GO TO THE TOP ROPE, BABY!....Everytime.